Being the Exception Is Not the Same as Being Loved: The Silent Weight of Performing for His Approval!

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Happy Mother’s Day My Beautiful Lady!!! I hope you have truly been enjoying this day for us just as I have. 🫶 

Today’s LOEV Letter to you piggybacks off Wednesday’s Q&A:

“My Fiancé Loves That I’m ‘Pure’ But I’m Starting to Feel Like He Hates Women. Should I Still Marry Him?”

I’m revisiting it because it hit a nerve.

Some of y’all asked, “If he treats her well and prays with her, what’s the big deal”?
Others said, “Marriage is about how two people feel about each other, not what others think”.
And a few of you pushed back entirely, “I don’t know if I agree with you on this one, OEV.
He sounds like he has an ego but he still loves her and God. He doesn’t need to be perfect”.

I feel you and I hear you. And I’m not here to argue.
This isn’t about making you agree with me: It’s about giving you the other side of what you’re saying.

I’m not here to forbid you from marrying anyone as that’s not my place.
But I am here to help you see clearly, to ask deeper questions, to choose from a place of alignment; not pressure or performance

There’s a kind of love that feels flattering…until it starts to feel suffocating.

You’re the one he opens doors for.
The one he prays with.
The one he calls wifey material.

But when you ask him why he loves you,
It’s not who you are…
It’s what you haven’t done…
It’s how you’re not like those women.

At first that might feel like honor until it starts feeling like silence.
Like you realize you almost can’t be curious nor challenge him because…
You can’t disagree with the women he debates online because you’re supposed to be the exception and be one with him and on his side in this.

BUT…

You’re not his partner, you’re his shield.
You’re not fully seen because you’re being used to prove a point.

This is how so many women of faith get trapped in relationships that look godly but feel emotionally unsafe.
You’re loyal, you’re loving.
You’re believing God for a good man.
But you’re waking up every morning feeling like you have to prove your value over and over again.

And that’s not love, is it? No…that’s emotional labor dressed up like favor.
That’s hierarchy, not intimacy.
That’s ego, not real covenant.

Let me be real with you…
No matter what state my marriage is in today
I was loved in it. I felt love. I gave love.
But in the latter years,
Yes, I saw some things shift.
Red pill language started showing up.
Kevin Samuels talking points crept in.
And yes, I was praised for not being like other women.
And as much as I liked the affirmation, there was always something under it that didn’t sit right.

Because when praise comes at the expense of other women, it’s not intimacy.
It’s ego
And when you’re a woman like me, you can feel both at the same time.
The warmth of being lifted and the sting of knowing you’re being weaponized.

I don’t tell women not to get married.
I don’t make those kinds of decisions for you.
But what I will do is give you the tools to see clearly so that you can make the best decision in that for you. And I’ll be there to support you no matter what you decide.

That’s why I wrote Nine Things Women Should Ask a Man Before Giving Him Sex

Not just to help you vet better
But to give you back your voice
To make sure that before you give anything
You require something

You’re not a trophy, You’re a truth.
And if you’re tired of being praised but never truly known…
That’s where your new standard begins.

Start here with Nine Things

Because The Most High never asked you to be small, only that you be whole because you are fearfully and wonderfully made.

If you want more of this.
The real talk.
The deep conversations.
The stories that don’t fit neatly in Sunday sermons…

Then get ready because a live event is coming and you’ll be getting that invite soon as it’s going to be everything we weren’t allowed to say in church.

The Top 10 Things Women of Faith Are Afraid to Ask About Sex

Everything we’ve been whispering to each other behind closed doors, prayed about or would never say aloud…I’ll be going in and you’ll leave the event with the knowledge and answers you’ve been seeking to these top 10 questions. Just be on the lookout as it’s coming soon.

Yes! I’ll be answering the questions y’all whisper, delete, or try to pray away
Registration opens this week. I promise, you do not want to miss this.

If you’ve never been on one of my live events, you are in for a treat Sis. #Trust
You do not want to miss this. 😉 

Always Much Love

Octavia E. Vance (OEV) 💋
Your Favorite Sexologist and Navigator of Love, Leisure & Pleasure