Wednesday’s Q&A with OEV #19: “I Found Di*k Pics in My Husband’s Phone After 12 Years of Marriage. What in the World Am I Gonna Do Now?” (Video Included)

This week’s question: (edited for time and length)

“I Found Di*k Pics in My Husband’s Phone After 12 Years of Marriage. What in the World Am I Gonna Do Now?”

Context: “Hi OEV. I seriously appreciate you doing Q&A every week. I have become one of your premiums members because I don’t want to miss a thing. I never thought I would be one of your Q&A’s but here goes if you decide to answer.

I’ve been married for 12 years. We have children. We’re leaders in our church. We serve. We also counsel younger couples. From the outside, we’re the couple people look to as an example.

But about 2 months ago, I started having this gut feeling something wasn’t right with my husband. Not because he was distant. Not because we weren’t having sex because although it wasn’t frequent, we were still sexually active. But something was off, and I couldn’t shake it.

So a month ago, I waited until he fell asleep late one night and finally went through his phone. And that’s when I saw it.

Yes, I found dick pics in my husband’s phone. What in the world am I going to do?

I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was shook to my core. It took me three days, but I finally confronted him.

He broke down crying. Told me he’s been struggling. That he’s fluid and bisexual. That he’s been researching and trying to understand himself for years. That he’s been wanting to tell me…but didn’t know how.

Years! So I asked him had he been having sex with men and women or orgies even and regretfully he admitted that he had a few flings with two women and a man but nothing serious.

I was completely floored. Livid. Heartbroken.

“You mean to tell me I’ve been sleeping with you while you’ve been sleeping with others”? (This is the edited version as I know you can figure out what I really said here).

He dropped to his knees crying horribly and begged me not to leave him. Said he still loves God. Still loves me. Still loves our children. Said he wants to save our marriage. Begged me to go to therapy with him with our pastor. At first I said hell no. I’m done.

But the more he pleaded and cried, I eventually gave in no matter how angry and shaken I was. I even got down on the floor with him and cried too.

We just started emergency therapy for him with our pastor a little over a week ago but I was also hoping to gain clarity, healing and maybe even closure for myself. I was really trying to be obedient. I was trying to be supportive. I was trying to be the good Christian wife.

But in the 3 sessions we’ve had already, it started to feel so one-sided. My pain to his infidelities has not being honored. Only his “repentance” was being highlighted. Like I was supposed to just pray through it and be quiet.

After I finally expressed how this devastated me and how I wasn’t sure I could keep having sex with him or even stay in the marriage, our pastor said something I still can’t shake:

“God has called you to such a time as this. Your husband is repentant. And you have an assignment to stand by him and submit to him even in this state as he’s crying out for God and then you. You could be the vessel that helps bring him back into wholeness and back into alignment with God. You could help restore your family and be an example of what redemption looks like as a wife supporting her husband.”

I sat there crying and eventually agreed with Pastor and then we all prayed. But now…I'm questioning everything. I don’t even know what’s real anymore.

I don’t know if I’m being gaslit by everyone or even God.

I’m torn between my faith and my feelings and between public appearance and private devastation. I actually have feelings of disgust towards him sometimes and feel so guilty for that. I’ve heard you several times over the years the Twilight Zone and I feel like I’ve finally understood what that really means.

So I’m asking you, OEV…

Should I stay and help him through this? Should I separate instead and work on our marriage together, but apart? Or should I just leave…because this is just about too much? What would you do?

The few people who know what’s really going on keep “encouraging” me to pray and fast for him and be strong for him when he’s weak because they say the devil is after him and the prayers of a righteous wife are needed now.

But who’s going to be strong for me as I am very weak too?

OK first…let’s breath together. Breath in for 4 seconds….hold for 4 seconds….then exhale for 4….

Please do this at least 3 more times as this is about to be a little heavy but I promise by the end, you will be lighter. hugs

First: The Bad News

I want to sincerely thank you for reaching out to share something so secret and deep that most in the church or believers would not as there is still a lot of shame centered around sexuality when it should not be. I want to also surround you with hugs because I know you need it. I truly urge you to reach out to one or two of those you trust in your support system and cry on their shoulders and let them know, you may need them a bit more than normal during this time. I've also prayed for you because this will not be easy to share and this is not my first time having to share something like this with a wife before. Let’s start with the bad news.

You said you found dick pics in your husband’s phone and that when you confronted him he broke down saying he was fluid and bisexual. I really want you to think about everything he said and everything you saw before I go further. I’m not trying to replay the trauma to you, but I want you to get a clear understanding of what’s going on here because dare I say, no one has really told you the truth. So while thinking about what I told you to think about, let’s first talk about sexual fluidity and bisexuality.

What is (sexual) fluidity?

Sexual fluidity refers to the idea that a person’s sexual attractions, behaviors, and desires may shift or change over time, sometimes in response to relationships or emotional connection rather than fixed orientation. The term gained traction thanks to psychologist Lisa Diamond, whose research primarily focused on women, but it’s often applied more broadly today.

Now here’s what’s important: sexual fluidity is not the same as bisexuality. Fluidity is about potential for change or responsiveness in desire, not about equally desiring both genders at all times. And I’m not here to get into what’s sin and what’s not because that’s not your focus. But I am here to share with you the info you should have in order to make an informed decision. So that’s what sexual fluidity is defined as.

That brings us to your husband’s claim.

Let’s talk about bisexuality…specifically in men.

When it comes to bisexuality in men, this is where it can get layered, especially for women of faith.

Yes, bisexuality is real. I did a podcast on the different types of sexuality some years back. If you’d like to listen, click here. So we know bisexuality typically means to be attracted to both men and women. But as you mentioned in your note, there’s a pattern I’ve seen repeatedly…and many others have too, especially in the church: often the men who confess they’re bisexual tend to do so to make it easier for others to digest…when they’re actually gay.

They call it “fluid.” They say “I’m just curious.” They say “I still love women.”

But their emotional and sexual pull is overwhelmingly toward men.

Why do they do this?

Because in religiosity, sharing this is seen as less threatening; more palatable if you will because it often leaves the door open to still being in heterosexual marriages. It allows them to keep their “cover.”

And I say this not to demonize him, but to protect you from spiritual gaslighting dressed up as “growth.”

Now that I gave you some detail to understand what your husband described himself as, remember what I said to do earlier? “…To think about everything he said and everything you saw…”. If all you saw were dick pics in your husband’s phone, no pics of women, no pics of naked women, no vaginal pics or nothing like that, then dear I am so sorry to tell you this…but that is more than likely not fluidity or bisexuality. It honestly sounds like your husband is gay and has been having sex with a man or men. Not every dick pic means they are men he’s been with, but if he has several dick pics in his phone, only dick pics in his phone and has admitted to being with a least one man, and even tho he mentioned he’s been with women too, I can stand on my certification, experience, belief and discernment based on all you’ve shared, that your husband is gay and is solely sexually attracted to men and you have been his beard in marriage the last 12 years.

breathe

Second: The Call Out

Dear, I know that wasn’t easy to hear/read, but one thing I’m not going to do is gaslight you. I noticed in your question and context you never said anything about the pastor calling your husband out on his actions; only your husband’s bravery and repentance were acknowledged, which I’m sorry to say is bullshlt. His betrayal and his sin towards you should have been called out.

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