Wednesday’s Q&A with OEV #20: "My Fiancé Loves That I’m ‘Pure’ But I’m Starting to Feel Like He Hates Women. Should I Still Marry Him?"

This week’s question:

Hi Octavia,

First off, thank you for what you do. I never miss a Q&A and I’m one of your premium subscribers. I never thought I’d be sending one in myself, but here we are. I might be overreacting, but I can’t shake this feeling.

My fiancé loves that I’m pure, but I’m starting to feel like he hates women. Should I still marry him?

My fiancé and I are both believers. When we first got together, everything felt divine. We were aligned on marriage, purpose, children, and building something powerful together. We’ve been engaged for 16 months now and our wedding is in 3 months.

But lately…he’s changed. It started small like…he’d make comments about how rare it is to find a woman like me. I’ve only been with two men in my life, both serious relationships. I’ve never had children. I’m in my late 20s now, and he always praises me for being “pure” and “wife material.” But then it started turning into full-blown debates; especially around body count, women with kids, and the red pill stuff.

He has two sons with two different women from his past, and I’ve never once judged him for it. But he’ll sit in front of YouTube or in group chats going at it with women online, saying things like, “Only hoes have high body counts” or “Single mothers are disqualified.” And I’m just sitting there listening to him argue with women I often agree with, yet when when I speak up, it turns into an argument between us.

He treats me right.
He’s financially stable.
He opens doors for me.
He’s very handsome.
He always compliments me.
He even prays with me.

But something I just can’t seem to put my finger on is causing me to lose sleep at night.
It’s like he loves me, but hates women and I’m starting to be turned off by this. I don’t know what’s going on with me or if this is healthy on his end. And I don’t know if that’s something I can marry. Am I overreacting? What do I do? 

Sis, let me start by saying this…you’re not overreacting. You’re discerning. And I’m proud of you for paying attention to the part of you that can’t sleep, even when everything “seems fine.”

Because what you’re describing isn’t just about debates or double standards. It’s about identity. Spiritual compatibility. And the quiet ways a woman starts to feel emotionally unsafe when her value is only rooted in what she hasn’t done, instead of who she truly is.

You’re already starting to feel that slow disconnection, not because you don’t love him, but because something in your spirit is saying, this praise feels more like pressure. And when a man glorifies your purity while holding disdain for other women, that’s not admiration; that’s projection. That’s ego. That’s control dressed up in compliments.

So let me offer you something to sit with: praise without emotional safety is manipulation in disguise.

He says he loves you for being “pure,” but the question is… does he love you? Or does he love what your “resume” says about you? Or even his own ego?

There’s a difference.

Now, let’s break this down because what you’re dealing with is layered. There are at least three major red flags here and none of them have to do with how he treats you on the surface.

1. He’s using your purity as a weapon against other women.
That’s not love. That’s performance.
When a man constantly measures your worth by what you haven’t done rather than who you are he’s showing you that his idea of value is rooted in comparison, not connection. You’re not his standard of love. You’re his exception. And eventually, that kind of pedestal becomes a prison.

2. He’s at war with the feminine.
I don’t care how handsome he is or how often he prays with you, if he’s constantly debating women, tearing down women, or aligning with ideologies that reduce women to body counts and baby mamas, then his masculinity is rooted in fear, not faith.
The red pill mindset is not just “a different opinion”, it’s a worldview that frames women as threats that need to be controlled instead of partners that are to be cherished. And whether he realizes it or not, he’s internalized a belief that only a certain kind of woman deserves grace. That belief will always end up affecting how he loves you too.

3. You’re starting to feel emotionally unsafe. And that matters.

When a woman starts losing sleep, her body is trying to say what her mind is still justifying. You’re in a dynamic that looks good on paper but your spirit is not at ease. And that unrest is not random. It’s revelation…

Want the full breakdown?
Inside the premium version, I’ll unpack:

• Why “good treatment” isn’t enough when emotional safety is missing

• How red pill beliefs show up in Christian marriages (and what to look for)

• What it really means when a man uses your purity

• How to discern between conviction and control — even when he prays with you

• And the one question every woman should ask before walking down the aisle

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