Wednesday's Q&A with OEV #22: "Right When I’m About to Climax, He Goes Soft and Then Blames Me. And I’m One Orgasm Away from Losing It. What am I Supposed to Do with That"?

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This week’s question:

"Right When I’m About to Climax, He Goes Soft and Then Blames Me. And I’m One Orgasm Away from Losing It. What am I Supposed to Do with That"?

Context: Hi OEV.

First, thank you for taking this question. I’ve followed your work for years and I even took your Sex for Ladies workshop back before I got married. Those ten hours changed my life. You helped me step into my body and own my pleasure for the first time. I carried that work into my marriage thinking we’d grow sexually together. But now I’m here…and I’m struggling.

I’ve been married for six years, and for the last year and a half, sex has been a straight-up mess. He can’t stay hard. Like right when I’m about to climax, it happens. He goes soft. And not only that, he blames me for it.

In the beginning, that hurt. I internalized it. I questioned myself. But now? Now it just pisses me off. We’ve argued about him getting help, and he still refuses. He says this has never happened with any other woman. So clearly, according to him, I must be the problem. He blames my energy, my attitude, my “pressure,” even my body. Like I’m somehow causing this shutdown in him.

I’ve tried being soft. I’ve tried being sexy. I’ve tried just staying quiet and taking whatever I can get. But still…he goes soft in the middle of it, and then puts the responsibility back on me. He tells me I’m the one who should be in therapy. Or praying harder. Or being more understanding.

It’s been way too much of this. And now I’m just walking around full of tension. Unmet. Unheard. And sexually frustrated as hell.

I’ve been tempted to step out. Not because I want to cheat, but because I’m tired of begging to be touched and for him to actually finish. I’m tired of pretending this is okay. I’m tired of being patient. And I’m tired of being blamed.

I don’t even feel like trying anymore. I just want to feel something again. What am I supposed to do with this?

First of all, thank you for sharing this. And I want to honor the fact that you’ve been doing this work. You didn’t just stumble into womanhood. You came thru the front door. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this especially as you’ve been trying to help but you’re constantly being blamed for his “limpness”.

You took my Sex for Ladies workshop back in 2017. I remember as I even covered erectile dysfunction in that workshop. Those ten hours changed your life then, and I know you came into marriage with your eyes open, your body aware, and your heart fully in it. And yet, here you are. In a space so many married women don’t talk about; sexually frustrated and emotionally stuck between wanting to support him and needing something for yourself.

Now let’s get into what’s really going on here.

You’re not just dealing with erectile dysfunction. You’re dealing with the frustration of being blamed for it. And that’s what’s creating all this tension in your body and wanting to release that tension with someone else. I get it. Because it’s one thing when sex changes. But it’s a completely different thing when the man you married starts pretending like that change is your fault.

The kind of dysfunction you’re husband is experiencing can come from a combination of physical, psychological, and emotional layers. It could be stress. It could be diet. It could be lack of movement or blood flow. It could be porn use or overstimulation from other sources. But instead of exploring any of that, he’s made you the scapegoat. That’s not accountability. That’s projection (and you really need to find out why the projection 🤔).

And what makes it worse is that you’re still showing up. You’re still available. You’re still trying. You’re even the one reaching out for help when honestly, it should be him. But instead of being met with teamwork, you’re being met with silence, shame, and blame. That’s why your frustration is so deep. Because this isn’t just about sex anymore. It’s about rejection. It’s about not being heard. It’s about not being held or pursued while you’re still trying to pour in and be present.

And I want you to know I’ve been there. Not with the same pattern of blame, but with the same kind of shutdown. The same kind of frustration.

There was a season in my own marriage where my estranged husband started going soft during sex. It wasn’t just one time. It became a pattern. Right when things were heating up. Right when I was close. He would go soft. And I was frustrated. Like really sexually frustrated. I’d try to help him get it back up. Sometimes it worked. Most times it didn’t. And after a while, I started thinking it was me. I still had all that baby weight on me at the time and I didn’t feel like myself, so I started wondering if maybe that was it. If maybe I wasn’t turning him on anymore. I asked him directly and he told me no. He told me it wasn’t that. And I believed him. Because he didn’t blame me. He felt bad about it. He was genuinely trying to figure it out.

Eventually I told him to talk to someone older. A man who had been married longer. Someone who could offer real wisdom. And to his credit, he did. One of the elders gave him natural, holistic advice. Pumpkin seeds. Dietary shifts. Supplements. More water. More exercise. And it worked. We made changes and after a few months, we didn’t have that issue again. Not once.

But what shifted things for us was his receptivity. He was willing to hear me. He didn’t shut me out. He didn’t make me the problem. And that’s where your story breaks off from mine.

Because in your case, he’s refusing to look inward. He’s refusing to try. And now he’s using your body as the reason his isn’t responding. That’s ego.

And I want to be clear here. This isn’t just about what’s happening with his body. It’s about what’s happening in his spirit. As what’s happening in his spirit may actually be what’s affecting his body.

I’m looking at his communication. I’m looking at his defensiveness. I’m looking at the blame. Because a man who goes soft and gets vulnerable is one thing. But a man who goes soft and then points the finger at you is a different story.

And based on what you’ve described, this doesn’t sound like a new behavior. It sounds like a pattern. It sounds like he may have a habit of blaming you for things that are actually his. And if that’s the case, then this isn’t just about erectile dysfunction. This is a relational dynamic that runs deep. Because in years of marriage, I learned this; things are rarely isolated. They’re usually connected. If he’s blaming you here, he’s probably blamed you in other areas too. What a person is in one area, they’re usually in all areas.

This doesn’t mean he’s a bad man. But it does mean he may not be someone who receives feedback or takes ownership well. And if that’s true, then going to him about him won’t get you anywhere. You’ll just end up frustrated all over again.

So while yes, I could give you a list of tips to try. I could walk you thru how to help stimulate arousal or how to help ease the pressure so he’s not in his head, none of that will matter if his ego is running the show and you’re the one carrying the emotional and sexual weight for both of you.

Because this isn’t just about erectile function. This is about emotional responsibility. This is about spiritual accountability. And unless he’s willing to go within and deal with the real root of it, the techniques won’t work. He’ll stay locked in pride. He’ll keep going silent. And you’ll keep walking around unsatisfied and unseen, full of tension and sexual frustration, trying to fix a man who refuses to be honest about what’s really going on.

So here’s where I invite you to take the next step because…

This is deeper. This is relational. This is ego and blame and tension. So what I would recommend is that you book a Help Me in My ‘Ships n Sex Life session because we need to get to the root of the blame game before we even touch the dysfunction. This is about emotional patterning and relational reframing. And we can work thru that together.

👉🏽 Book the Help Me in My ‘Ships n Sex Life Session Here

Also, I want to remind you that…the Sex for Ladies Community is coming. It will be the space for women like you who are done shrinking and ready to be seen, touched, and supported without shame. If you’ve been feeling alone in your desires and disconnected from your body, just know you won’t be for much longer.

And for my premium subscribers, I’ll be releasing the video version of this Q&A in the next few days. So if you want to see how this conversation looks when we go deeper, when you’re in the hot seat, when you’re getting this feedback in real time…sign up for premium now as that’s a big part of what’s coming inside the community.

👉🏽 Upgrade to Premium to Access the Video

Always Much Love,

Octavia E. Vance (OEV) 💋
Your Favorite Sexologist and Navigator of Love, Leisure & Pleasure